Bullshit Ishtar
by Cardgamesonmotorcycles
Summary: "I'm not hungry." I lied. "Bullshit Ishtar." He growled. "You will eat, even if I have to force it down your neck." Here was the Bakura we all knew. Thiefshipping. Warnings- Attempted suicide, eating disorders, strong language and self harm.
1. Secret

**Hey guys :D**

**Just to say that this story is already fully written so I'll be uploading new chapters twice a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays). I was going to upload it as a one shot but it would have been pretty long so I've divided it into chapters :)**

**CHAPTER WARNINGS- Graphic self harm, Suicidal thoughts**

* * *

I looked down at the shiny steel blade which was clenched between my fingers. Then pressed it into the smooth bronzed skin of my arm and dragged it across, again and again, gasping at the pain. The blood bubbled out of the fresh wounds and formed beautiful beads of deep crimson that lay on my skin like blood on sand. The beads merged and began to trickle down my arm. I lifted it to my mouth and ran my tongue along the raised skin. Iron, pain, hatred. My skin was warm and I winced as my saliva infiltrated the gashes, leaving them clean and shining, ready for more blood to fall, to catch, to savor.

Once the blood was gone the cuts remained. Beautiful reminders of my hatred and pain. Perfectly straight red lines razed through my skin on raised, lonely hills, which I know will soon mutate to far uglier scars.

I sat there for a while, just looking at them. Seeing the difference between them and my older cuts, thin white lines crisscrossing my lower arms, reminding me of all my hurt. My self-hatred, my loathing.

A knock on the door startled me and my head jerked up. I unconsciously pulled my sleeve down, covering my newest cuts.

"Marik?" A soft female voice called.

Ishizu...

"You alright in there?"

I sighed, could I never get time alone?

"Yeah, I just need to wash my hands. Give me a minute." I replied in a false cheery tone.

"Okay."

I turned on the cold tap and ran the knife under it, cleaning it of blood, which swirled down the plughole. I tucked it into my jeans pocket and glued a false smile to my face before unlocking the door and stepping into the hall where my sister was waiting.

She gave me a soft smile, which I returned, then stepped into the bathroom to take a shower.

I waited til I heard the water start running to walk to my bedroom and close the door securely behind me.

I knew she'd be at least twenty minutes, maybe longer. I sat on the edge of my bed and removed the knife again, staring at my bare wrist.

I could do it.

Two quick cuts. Vertical. Deep.

I wouldn't have to hurt anymore.

It could all be over.

I sighed. I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave Ishizu to find my body. It wasn't fair on her.

I reached under my bed until I found a small locked box, I quickly entered the code and it swung open.

It was full of blades. Pencil sharpeners. Craft knives. Nails. Screws. Drawing pins. Bent hair slides. Bits of broken glass and jagged metal. Anything that would hurt.

Sometimes I'd be at school, and I just needed something sharp, anything would do. This was the collection I had acquired. In an odd way it was impressive. In another way it was sick.

I put the knife carefully in the box, then, after making sure it was locked, slid it under my bed.


	2. Blackout

**CHAPTER WARNINGS-Minor mention of self harm**

* * *

"Hey, Marik!" Yugi yelled from across the dinner hall. "Over here!"

I smiled and made my way over to the table.

"Hey guys!" I greeted as I sat down.

They all nodded or waved in greeting.

"Where's your dinner?" Ryou questioned.

"I don't want any, I feel really sick." I replied. It was half true. I hadn't eaten in three days. I had no appetite. Maybe if I stopped eating I'd become so skinny I'd dissapear.

"Do you want me to take you to see the nurse?" Yugi piped up, a concerned look on his face.

I shook my head, "No thanks Yugi, I already went, she said I probably just had a bug or something."

Yugi nodded, accepting this answer, then turned around to continue his conversation with Yami.

I sighed internally. I hated having to lie to my friends. It felt wrong. But I couldn't worry them with my problems, especially not Ryou or Yugi, they were far too innocent. It'd hurt them so much.

I adjusted my position, moving my chair closer to the table so I could pretend to be interested in the groups conversation. I put my arms on the edge of the table, and gave a small but audible gasp as my cuts hit the cold hard surface and caught on my sleeve.

I looked around. Panicking. But nobody seemed to have noticed.

Except Bakura.

His brown eyes met my lavender, and he raised his eyebrow.

Don't say anything, don't say anything, don't say anything.

My eyes widened slightly in fear, but Bakura simply smirked, a knowing smirk. Then he turned away to talk with Ryou.

Shit. He knows. No. He couldn't. How would he?

I was beginning to panic. My breath caught in my throat. I could see spots in front of my vision and I suddenly felt light-headed and nauseous.

I stood up suddenly, aware of my body swaying slightly.

"I'm just going to the toilet." I announced, trying to keep my voice steady. "I'll be right back guys."

The group nodded their understanding, and I walked away slowly. I had to stop my legs quivering like this. If I wasn't careful I'd pass out in the middle of the dinner hall.

I somehow managed to make it to the bathroom, clinging onto walls when my legs twitched uncontrollably below me. I could barely see, my vision was clouded with black and my head was swimming.

I lent over the sink, clutching it's sides for support, trying to even my breathing.

Just as I thought the nausea had passed, my stomach spasmed and I threw up into the sink. My stomach continued to heave, and I dry retched into the sink again and again. There was nothing to throw up, and my throat burned with the taste of stomach acid. My stomach settled, but I could still barely see, I managed to turn on the tap and rinsed my mouth out with water, spitting into the sink. I wasn't sure if it was just my eyes, or was my spit... red?

I heard someone come into the bathroom behind me and span around.

Bad idea.

My vision failed me completely, I could just hear a muffled voice. Then my legs gave way and I collapsed onto the hard tile floor.


	3. Rescue

**YamiNoIcexIcuo- It ends happily Icuo don't worry :) And uploads will be frequent, to be honest I'll probably end up just uploading the chapters in chunks of two or three :P**

**HermioneSakuraGardner07- All in due time my dear reader ;) And Bakura is quite good at figuring things out :)**

**CHAPTER WARNINGS- Mild language**

* * *

"Marik?"

I couldn't remember anything. I remembered being sick, but why was I lying on the floor? And who was calling my name?

"Marik!"

The voice had grown slightly louder now, sounding more desperate.

I felt myself being shaken, and opened my eyes slightly.

Bright white. I shut them again, it was too bright.

A moment later my head jerked as the owner of the voice slapped me.

"What..?" I groaned, before my stomach convulsed violently again. My mouth filled with watery sick and I managed to crawl onto my hands and knees. I continued to sick up bile, eyes still tightly shut, head pounding.

"Oh shit.." the voice said. "Marik, can you hear me, Marik!"

I slowly opened my eyes, ignoring the feeling of my head splitting in two and looked up at the speaker.

Pale white skin, with even whiter locks, eyes brown but with flashes of crimson in their depths. Bakura.

"Marik! What happened?" Bakura took my hands and pulled me into a sitting position, leaning my back against the wall of the toilets.

"I can't remember." I managed to say.

"I think you fainted."

My head was swimming slightly less now, and I was aware of Bakura's hands on my shoulders, keeping me upright.

"No shit." I replied.

This got a chuckle from Bakura.

"When did you last eat Marik?" He asked, serious tone back in his voice.

Bollocks.

"I can't remember."

"Did you have breakfast this morning?"

I shook my head.

Bakura frowned, "Tea last night?"

Another shake of the head.

"Are you telling me you haven't eaten since dinner yesterday?" He sounded worried.

"I didn't have dinner. I felt sick."

"So you haven't eaten in two days?!"

I raised three fingers.

"Three days?!" Bakura sounded horrified. "Why not?"

I tried to shrug, but Bakuras hands were too tight on my shoulders.

"Wasn't hungry."

Bakura growled, he obviously didn't accept this response. He didn't say anything about it though, he just let go of my shoulders, making sure I could keep myself sat up, and went to get some toilet roll from one of the cubicles.

He returned and gently cleaned my face, wiping away the strand of saliva that hung from my lip and removing all traces of sick from my face.

"You've got sick in your hair." he noted.

I groaned.

"Do you want me to tie it up for you?" Bakura offered, sounding slightly uncertain.

I looked up at him in surprise, I never thought he could be anything but his usual cold self. But he was being kind, gentle even. Weird.

I nodded.

He removed a hair bobble from round his wrist and shifted me forwards, so my head wasn't pressed against the tiles anymore. He disappeared behind me, but a moment later I felt his hands in my hair as he carefully tied it up.

It was oddly nice. Feeling his hands in my hair. I felt my body begin to relax, I hadn't even realised, but all my muscles had been tensed.

"There you go." Bakura smiled, "Can you stand?"

I nodded uncertainly, and he took my hands and carefully pulled me up. I swayed slightly, but my legs felt solid under me.

"You need to eat something." His previous kind tone was gone, replaced with a teacher-like seriousness.

I groaned again.

"I'm not hungry." I lied.

"Bullshit Ishtar." He growled. "You will eat, even if I have to force it down your neck."

Here was the Bakura we all knew.

"I'll eat something if you don't tell the others about this." It came out without me thinking about it.

Bakura frowned. "Why don't you want them to know?"

I shrugged, avoiding his gaze, "I don't want them to worry about me."

His eyes met mine and he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Should they be worried about you?"


	4. Torture

**YamiNoIcexIcuo- Ice is right, violence gets you nowhere Icuo *shakes head disapprovingly* :P**

**HSG07- Thank you :)**

**Anonymous Secret- Thankyou :D**

**CHAPTER WARNINGS- Language, mentions of mental health disorder**

* * *

Everyday for the next week Bakura forced me to eat dinner. He had to be subtle about it so the others wouldn't know what was going on, but I think Yami had worked it out.

"Marik." A voice behind me, Bakura.

"Yes."

"Are you getting dinner?" He asked, his voice was low, threatening.

"I wasn't going to." I replied, truthfully.

He grabbed my shoulder, squeezing so hard it hurt.

"If you don't eat dinner I'll come round yours tonight and tell Ishizu you've been starving yourself." Bakura leant in to my ear as he said this, so softly no-one could hear it.

"I'm not hungry." I responded, ignoring the clear threat, before jogging over to our table before he could stop me.

When he returned a few minutes later, I noticed he had two sandwiches on his tray.

Shit.

"Seeing as you forgot your dinner money I thought I'd get you a sandwich." he said with a smile.

Yugi and Ryou both commented how nice of Bakura that was, but I just glared at him.

Dick.

Bakura placed a sandwich in front of me, and just stared at me. I looked at the sandwich. Then at Bakura. His eyes were glinting with red, and he had a smug grin on his face.

"Thank you Bakura." I said woodenly, flashing a fake smile at him.

"That's alright Marik, we can't have you not eating can we?" To everyone else this sounded innocent enough, but as I glared at him I noticed Yami eying the pair of us, his face thoughtful.

I sat there for about fifteen minutes, just ignoring my sandwich. I felt sick. I didn't want to eat. Why should he make me? He has no right to. If I don't want to eat I won't eat.

By this time Bakura had finished his own sandwich and was glaring at me again.

He leant into my ear, and hissed "If you don't eat I tell everyone what happened last week, and we wouldn't want that would we Ishtar?"

I glared at him, but he met my eyes with equal anger. He pushed the sandwich box towards me.

I took the box and removed half of the sandwich. Egg salad. At least he'd remembered that I'm vegetarian.

I lifted the sandwich to my mouth, then paused.

Bakura nodded at me, a gesture which went unnoticed by everyone but Yami, who's crimson eyes searched my face.

Aware of his eyes on me, I bit into the sandwich, my stomach gurgling in anticipation.

I swallowed the mouthful. I felt sick. Damn you Bakura.

Bakura gave me a smug look, "Good boy Ishtar." he hissed again, "That wasn't too hard now was it?"

I went to glare at him, but noticed Yami staring at Bakura, he looked like he'd just figured something out.

Shit. He must have heard Bakura whispering.

"What?" I snapped at him.

He shook his head, smiling slightly. "Nothing." But his eyes looked sad, and he gave me one last sympathetic look before turning to talk to Yugi.

Bakura glanced at me. He had the grace to look apologetic.

"He knows!" I whispered to him.

"I know." He replied.

Shit. Now what?

* * *

I grabbed Bakuras arm and shoved him into an empty classroom.

He merely raised his eyebrow at me. "Something wrong Ishtar?"

"Yami knows, he knows Bakura!" My voice rose, the hysteria clear.

"So?" Bakura shrugged nonchalantly.

I stared at him in disbelief.

"What? He fucking knows Bakura!" I shouted at him, voice shrill with panic.

"So?"

"What if he tells someone?" My mind had gone into overdrive. He told Yugi everything. Yugi told Ryou everything. I swallowed.

Bakura must have sensed I was beginning to panic and put a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"He won't tell anyone Marik."

I scoffed. How did he know that?

"Besides, what would he tell them? I had to force you to eat a sandwich one day?"

"No! What if he tells them I'm.." I caught myself quickly, I'd almost said something I didn't want to let slip.

Unfortunately Bakura caught this.

"You're what?" His brown eyes probing into mine, flooded with concern.

I ignored him.

"Marik?" The grip on my arm tightened, growing painful. "You're what?"

"Anorexic." I sighed. Slumping into a chair.

Bakura didn't say anything. Just stared at me, eyes wide, face pained.

"Oh." He finally said. "Since when?"

I shrugged, I couldn't remember.

He sighed and sat on a chair opposite me.

"Does Ishizu know?"

I made a disgruntled noise in my throat. "Does she fuck."

"Do you eat at home then?"

I shook my head. "Ishizu works late at the museum, I make my own tea."

Bakura smiled slightly, "Well, you don't."

I glared at him. How can he find this funny?

"Sorry."

We sat there for a while, the only sound was the ticking of the clock.

Bakura ran his eyes over my frame. Noting my choice of clothes, long sleeve jumper, baggy jeans . Nothing like what I'd usually wear, cropped tops, skin tight jeans, short sleeves.

"Is that why you're wearing all those baggy clothes? So no-one can see how skinny you're getting?"

I laughed out loud at this. Me, skinny? Hah, I wish.

"I am not skinny."

He raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not." I reiterated.

"Well you're not fat."

"Thanks.." I muttered.

"No. That came out wrong. I mean you're.. you.."

Now it was my turn to raise an eyebrow.

"You had a nice body before." He finally finished, avoiding my eyes, red blush stretching across his pale cheeks.

I smiled slightly at that, mainly at his embarrassment. He was wrong though.

Bakura shifted nervously in his seat, then stood up and practically ran out of the room, leaving me alone.

What was all that about?


	5. Alone

**Anonymous Secret- I had to add some fluff to make it slightly cheerier :P Thank you!**  
**HermioneSakuraGardner07- Haha, don't worry, I know what you mean :) Her friendship speeches make me laugh :P**  
**YamiNoIcexIcuo- Icuo I think YOUR mind is in the gutter :P But yes.. that's what he left to do ;)**  
**xfallenangel13x- Ahh thankyou, and sorry, no spoilers xD**

**CHAPTER WARNINGS- Graphic self harm, Language**

* * *

"I'm so glad it's half term!"

"Me too! We should go to the beach sometime, I want to go swimming!"

Ugh. Swimming. Yet another thing I can't do anymore. I used to love swimming, used to love the looks I got in my shorts. Until I realised they were looks of pity and disgust.

"Will you come with us Marik?"

A voice distracted me from my thoughts. Yugi.

"Uhm, yeah sure."

Yugi's face lit up, and he turned away to chatter excitedly about it with Ryou and Yami.

I walked slightly behind the others, longing for the moment when they'd leave and I wouldn't have to listen to their happy voices any more.

"Marik?" A quiet voice at my side.

"Hey Bakura."

"Got any plans for half term?" he asked me casually.

"Not really, Ishizu's going away for the week though, some work thing."

"So you'll be by yourself the whole time?" He sounded worried.

I shrugged, "Yeah, I'll be fine."

We walked along in silence until I reached the turning where I separated from the group.

"See you guys later." I smiled and waved them goodbye.

"Bye Marik, I'll text you about the beach!" Yugi smiled, waving.

I nodded, waved once more and turned away to complete my walk alone.

Or so I thought.

"Marik, wait up!"

Bloody Bakura. Can't he just leave me alone?

I paused, heard him explaining to the others that he needed to walk my way to visit his auntie.

Bet he doesn't even have an auntie.

"What?" I snapped as he came to walk by my side.

"If you think I'm okay with you being alone for a week you are mistaken Ishtar."

"What are you going to do about it?" I hissed.

"I'm going to come round and check on you."

I spun round on my heel.

"You're what?" I growled.

"I'm going to check on you." His voice was calm.

"Why?"

"To make sure you're eating."

That was the last straw.

"For Ra's sakes Bakura, can't you just leave me alone?"

He grabbed my arm, stopping me from walking away as I'd planned.

"No I bloody can't. Fucking hell Marik, you can't just not eat for a week!" His calm façade had faded and he was angry.

"Watch me." I growled, pulling my arm away and stalking off.

"Marik!" he called after me as I quickened my pace, practically running.

He didn't try to catch up, and I ran the rest of the way home, slamming the door shut behind and leaning against it, breathing heavily.

My phone vibrated and I pulled it out of my pocket.

'You have 1 new message

Sender: Bakura'

I sighed, what did he want now?

I opened the message.

'See you tomorrow Ishtar.'

That stupid pompous interfering dick!

I screamed at my phone and threw it across the hall, where it slammed into the wall and landed on the floor.

I sank down the front door, buried my head in my hands and cried.

Why couldn't everyone just leave me alone?

* * *

I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, surveying my reflection in the long mirror.

I turned sideways, disgusted at the way my stomach stuck out. Ran my hands over my ribs. Not nearly pronounced enough. As for my legs. Ugh. Fat, flabby, disgusting. I pinched the loose skin on my arms and grimaced.

Fat. Fat. Fat.

My body disgusted me.

I wrapped a towel around my waist and walked into my room, reached under the bed and removed the box. Keying in the combination. I removed the knife, tested the blade on my finger tip, it slid through the skin like butter, blood droplets already falling onto the white towel.

Perfect.

I walked back into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

Within moments, blood was dripping down my arm onto the white bathroom tiles. I whimpered quietly. It hurt so much. I took a deep breath, positioning the knife above one of the rare empty patches on my arm, pressed down hard and dragged it across.

I cried out as it cut deeply, almost reaching the bone. Blood flowed down my arm and made a puddle on the floor. I whimpered, body shaking. Tears leaked from my eyes. I hated myself. I hated the cuts. I hated what I was doing to my own body, but I couldn't stop. My body began to shake more violently and I dropped the knife to the floor, where it lay in the growing pool of blood.

A harsh sob tore out of my throat, my breathing grew fast and panicky. There was so much blood.

I grabbed a towel and pressed it to my arm, breath hitching as the towel hit the broken skin. I pressed it down hard, grimacing at the pain, trying not to cry out.

I must have sat there for twenty minutes, the towel becoming saturated with blood, but finally, finally, it stopped bleeding.

I carefully peeled off the towel, throwing it into the shower. I needed to clean my arm. I went to the bathroom cabinet and removed a bottle of antiseptic spray and some cotton wool. I sprayed the antiseptic on my arm, unable to stop a cry of pain escaping my throat as it invaded the deep wounds. I clenched my teeth and began wiping the cuts with the cotton wool. My breath came in gasps, it was agony.

Eventually they were clean, I put plasters on the smaller cuts, then turned my attention to the largest one. Fuck it was deep. I could see the layers of muscle and fat. It probably needed stitches. I sighed, that would mean going to the hospital, and that wasn't happening. I removed the largest plaster I could find and stuck it over it.

I left the bathroom as it was, walked to my room and quickly got dressed. Dark baggy jeans, Black long-sleeved jumper. I dried my hair with Ishizu's hairdryer and applied my kohl carefully in the mirror.

I looked at my reflection and sighed.

Then grabbed my bag and keys, and left the house to meet Bakura.


	6. Relax

**xfallenangel13x- Haha, I'm glad it made you laugh :) I did try to make it vaguely less gruesome...**

**YamiNoIcexIcuo- Awh I'm sorry guys, it ends happily. This chapter's nicer I promise!**

**HermioneSakuraGardner07- As if Bakura would let Marik die ;) and haha, Bakuras mine, if you hadn't guessed :)**

**supersteffy- Thanks haha :) and no no no! Pure imagination and a few internet searches :)**

**CHAPTER WARNINGS- Minor self harm references**

**This chapter has puzzleshipping! Yaaay! :3**

* * *

"Bakura." I nodded.

"Ishtar." He replied. I hadn't seen him since he'd texted me two days ago, his plan to check on me hadn't worked, I'd just refused to let him in.

It was red hot, the people around me were in shorts and t-shirts, even Bakura was wearing shorts.

"Are you not warm?" he enquired, eyeing my dark outfit.

"Not really." I lied. I could feel the sweat running down my back, my jumper sticking to my clammy skin.

He raised an eyebrow, but left it at that, and we turned away to walk and meet the others.

We completed the short walk in silence, smiling as we greeted the summery looking group, Yugi had just finished an ice-cream and was crunching on the cone.

"You have ice-cream all over your face." Ryou commented with an amused smile.

Yami leant in and wiped Yugi's face clean with a chuckle.

"All cleaned up now aibou." He smiled, placing his hand in the smaller boys.

Yugi smiled at him and stretched up to placed a small kiss on his lips.

Me and Bakura shared a look, when had this happened?

A moment later Yugi noticed us and ran over, dragging a surprised Yami with him.

"Hey Yugi." I smiled.

"I think you have some explaining to do young man." Bakura said sternly, but the smile on his face showed he was joking.

Yugi giggled, covering his mouth with his free hand and leaning closer to Yami.

"Oh yeah! Me and Yami are together now!" He beamed up at the taller boy who smiled back and gave his hand a slight squeeze.

"That's great guys!" Bakura exclaimed, sounding genuinely pleased.

I nodded my agreement. I couldn't say I hadn't seen it coming. They did make a sweet couple. I felt my mood lift slightly as I looked at the loving expressions on their faces. Today should be okay, as long as no-one made me eat or take off my jumper.

I snorted quietly. Like that was ever going to happen.

* * *

The walk to the beach seemed to last for hours, sweat dripped from my nose and trickled down my back, my jeans stuck to my warm skin and I panted with every step.

Me and Bakura kept behind the others, keeping each other company.

Bakura would glance over at me every now and again, but we were nearly at the beach before he spoke.

"If you're so warm why don't you take your jumper off?"

I instantly clutched my jumper closer to me, crossing my arms protectively.

This didn't go unnoticed by Bakura, "Alright, sweat to death then. See if I care."

I glared at him, then had an idea.

"You just want to see my nice body."

He blushed tomato red and his smirk disappeared as he hid behind waves of his thick white hair.

I grinned. That shut him up.

A few minutes later we arrived at the beach, which was deserted, most of Domino had gone to the newly opened water park, but it had been too expensive for us.

Yugi and Ryou immediately ditched their t-shirts on the yellow sand and ran into the sea, squealing at the cold, splashing and dunking each other.

Yami and Anzu were rather more dignified. Anzu put a blanket down on the sand, stripped to her bikini and sun bathed, and Yami sat near her, watching Yugi frolic in the ocean with a tender expression.

Bakura gestured for me to follow him, slightly away from Anzu and Yami so we could talk in privacy, but not so far as to look rude. He went into his bag and removed a towel, which he lay on the sand before sitting on it. I stared at him blankly.

He patted the towel next to him.

"Do you plan on sitting down or are you just going to stand there all day?" He enquired, eyebrow raised in amusement.

I quickly sat down beside him.

"Good boy Ishtar." he said, patting me on the arm patronisingly. I winced away from his touch, one of his fingers had grazed the largest cut and I had a horrible feeling it was bleeding again.

Bakura's eyes narrowed. "What's wrong with your arm Marik?"

"I fell out of bed this morning and landed on it funny." I replied quickly. A little too quickly.

"Oh, okay. Sure." Bakura replied, before turning away to look for something in his bag. A moment later a bottle of drink was put in my hand. I looked at it warily, knowing Bakura it'd be packed with hidden sugar. And sugar equals calories.

"It's fine Marik, it's just water." He said, answering my suspicious expression, almost as if he'd known what I was thinking. But then he knows me better than anyone, so I guess he did.

"Thanks." I said with a smile.

I took a deep drink, he was telling the truth. Ice cold water ran down my throat. It was bliss. The sweat that coated me gradually cooled in the light sea breeze. I lay back on the towel, enjoying the feeling of the sun on my face.


	7. Pressure

**TheMysticWonder- haha, it's strangely ooc :P and thankyou for the review on the last chapter also!**

**HermioneSakuraGardner07- I am happy with this arrangement :) So Bakura is mine today! *evil grin* I thought you'd appreciate a bit on Anzu :) she has some in this chapter too!**

**YamiNoIcexIcuo- Proof that puzzleshipping solves all :P and it seems like something Bakura would do, he's just so crafty :D**

**Anon- I know my chapters are reaaally short :/ it's because the story isn't actually that long but I didn't want it to be a oneshot. and thankyou! I will edit that at some point.. honest :P I never know about names and commas! Thanks for the advice!**

**CHAPTER WARNINGS- Bulimic behaviors, Self harm references, Very mild language**

**An extra long chapter today (for me anyway...) Just the rest of what happens at the beach :D**

* * *

"Marik! Come swimming!" A voice woke me, I must have fallen asleep.

"What?" I looked around, to find everyone in their swimming costumes stood around me.

"Come swimming Marik." Ryou repeated. I knew I'd recognised that cheery tone.

"Oh, no thanks Ryou. I'm pretty tired."

Ryou rolled his eyes, "You've been asleep for ages! You can't be tired."

"I don't like swimming." I tried, anything to make them go away.

"Leave him you guys, I'll try to convince him."

My eyes searched out my saviour, Yami.

My eyes widened in surprise.

"I'll drag him if I have to." Ah, here was Bakura, reliable as always.

"Last one in's a pineapple!" Joey yelled, and everyone took off running for the sea. Except Yami and Bakura, who remained with me on the beach.

I sat up on the towel, ready for whatever they threw at me.

"How come you don't want to go swimming Marik?" Yami asked.

I shrugged. "I don't feel like it."

Yami nodded slowly, "Okay, but if you change your mind come join us."

He gave Bakura a meaningful look as he jogged off to join the others in the sea.

I glanced at Bakura.

"What's wrong with your arm?" He repeated.

Bugger. I thought we were past that?

"I told you. I fell out of bed."

"Like hell Ishtar, then why would it hurt when I touched it?"

"I guess it's bruised."

"In three hours it's bruised so bad that it's agonising when it's touched?" His tone was sarcastic.

"I guess."

He growled and sat beside me heavily.

"Why are you lying to me?" He asked, his voice was sad.

I began to say that I wasn't, but maybe he deserved to know? Maybe he'd understand.

"I cut it." I said. It was true. The way he chose to take it was up to him.

He looked at me in confusion, then something clicked in his eyes and he gasped lightly.

"On purpose?" I couldn't tear my eyes away from his face, brown orbs, flecked with crimson were filled with concern, forehead furrowed in worry.

I didn't answer. A lump had risen in my throat and I couldn't trust myself to speak without crying.

I nodded, tears glittering in my eyes, ready to spill.

The next thing I knew Bakura's arms were around me and he was holding me to him tightly, my head in the crook of his neck. I welcomed the embrace, leaning into him and sobbing into his chest. I could hear him softly murmuring into my hair, but I couldn't hear the words over the sound of my sobs. He rocked me gently and ran a hand softly through my hair, quietly shushing me. My sobs eventually ceased, my shoulders stopped shaking and my breath returned to normal.

He released me, but kept one arm around my waist.

Neither of us spoke for a long time. We just sat there and watched the others in the sea.

Then, finally, Bakura broke the silence with a single word.

"Why?"

I paused, contemplating his question.

"I deserve it." I eventually replied.

Bakura's head shot up, crimson eyes meeting mine.

"What? How do you deserve.. this?" he said, gesturing to my arm.

I shrugged. "Horrible people deserve horrible things."

His expression darkened and he grabbed my arm, nails digging into the broken skin. I winced and cried out but he was too angry to notice.

"You are not a horrible person. Don't you ever say that again. Don't even think it."

I stared at him, his eyes had turned a deep, blood-red and his arms were shaking. I had to admit, I was a little scared.

"Promise me Ishtar." he demanded.

I nodded quickly, just wanting him to let go of my arm, where I could feel blood beginning to fall again.

"Properly." Squeezing my arm harder.

"I promise Bakura, now get the frig off my arm!" I shook him off me, cradling my arm gently in my lap and gasping slightly at the pain.

Bakura slid closer to me, anger gone.

I swear he's bipolar or something..

"Let me look."

I pulled my arm closer towards me, ignoring the drying blood that was sticking it to my sleeve.

"Please?"

That was a surprise. His eyes were back to their usual brown, deep and gentle.

I sighed internally. Well, there was no harm in it. He may as well see.

I glanced over to the others playing in the sea, they were far too preoccupied splashing each other and giving each other piggy-back rides to glance over.

I took a deep breath. I'd never shown anyone before. I was nervous.

I looked away from the sea as I felt Bakuras hand resting on my knee, he gave me a reassuring smile "Only if you want Ishtar."

I nodded, smiling back nervously.

Then rolled up my sleeve.

* * *

I looked up as I heard someone walking through the sand towards me. After I showed Bakura my arm his eyes had filled with tears and he had walked off without saying a word.

"They're setting out the picnic under those trees." Bakura said, his voice monotone as he raised a hand, gesturing to a small clump of trees that offered some shade from the hot midday sun. "You should come and eat something."

His tone was cold and unfeeling, the lack of warmth in his eyes made me shiver. I was too afraid to even argue, I just stood, grabbed the towel and followed him over to the others.

Ryou, Yugi and Anzu were laying out various plastic tubs on top of a red checked blanket which they'd spread across the yellow sand. I could see scotch eggs, pork pies, pasta salad, chicken drumsticks, potato salad, sandwiches, chocolate bars, crisps, various fruit, and even a large chocolate cake, which sat in pride of place in the very middle of the blanket under a plastic cover.

Yami gave me and Bakura a sad look as we approached, but it was quickly turned to a content smile when Yugi plonked himself heavily in his lap, pulling the larger boys arms around his waist.

"Come on guys, dig in!" Anzu prompted as Ryou handed around plastic plates and cutlery.

"Thanks." I smiled, then turned to look at the food that was spread out in front of me. I already felt sick.

I felt a hand come to rest in the middle of my back and turned around to see Bakuras crimson eyes boring into mine. "Eat." He whispered, barely audible.

I swallowed, looked to the food then back to Bakura again. he must have seen the fear in my eyes, because his face softened slightly, "Please?"

I sighed, then nodded, sitting down beside the blanket, forming a rough circle with the others.

"There are cheese or egg sandwiches Marik." Yami said, "Yugi made them specially for you."

I smiled at that, "Thanks Yugi."

"Well Yami remembered you were vegetarian, and I had to make sure you could eat something!" He laughed as he said this, but Yami's eyebrows furrowed at his choice of words and he shot me a sad look.

Bakura followed my lead and came to sit beside me, "Well that was thoughtful of you both, Marik'll have to eat plenty to show his gratitude."

I visibly twitched at this. Shooting a death glare at Bakura, which he ignored as he reached forward to help himself to a chicken drumstick and a packet of crisps.

I braced myself, then helped myself to an egg sandwich and some fruit.

I could feel Bakuras eyes on me, even as he devoured his chicken. I held a sandwich up to my mouth. Taking a small bite. The taste and texture felt foreign to me. I chewed the bite until it was mush, then swallowed. This was repeated until I had eaten an entire sandwich. Bite, chew, swallow. Bite, chew, swallow.

Don't think. Don't think.

I had eaten my sandwich so slowly, that everyone else had eaten their fill of savoury food, and Ryou had started to cut up the chocolate cake, explaining the recipe to Yugi while he did so.

Ryou dished the cake onto smaller, clean plates and handed them round until everyone had one. Even me. I'd smiled my thanks as it was handed to me, commenting how tasty it looked, which had made Ryou blush. My stomach sank as I stared at the dark lump of cake on my plate. Ryou had been generous with the servings and I didn't think I could make myself eat a single bite, let alone the whole piece. Everyone around me was digging in, with their hands like Honda and Jou, or more delicately with forks, like Anzu and Ryou. I broke off a small piece, feeling the crumbs between my fingers, the icing sticky and moist. I put the cake in my mouth, feeling it's silky texture , the rich chocolate icing coating my mouth and sticking to my teeth. It was so sickly.

I don't know how I managed, but with some less than gentle encouragement from Bakura, and a few looks from Yami I managed to eat the whole slice. Everyone had finished before me, and were now lying in the shade, stuffed full of food and talking quietly.

I felt an arm snake around my waist and looked up to see Bakura smiling softly at me.

"Well done." He said, giving me a small squeeze.

The look of pride and sadness in his eyes made me want to cry. Instead I smiled back, trying to look less queasy than I felt, and rested my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes, trying to overcome the waves of nausea.

"You two look cute together."

I immediately removed my head and shuffled away from Bakura's embrace, cheeks flushed red.

Anzu laughed, "Well you do." She defended herself, "Don't they?"

Everyone nodded their agreement, even Yami smiled softly.

I glanced over to Bakura, who had gone tomato red, and was attempting to hide his blush behind his white hair, without much success.

I snorted in derision, deciding one of us should counter Anzu's point.

"I don't think so Anzu." I smiled, with a small chuckle. "He's not really my type." I lied, with a small wink that made Anzu giggle.

Bakura lifted his head up at this. "Who said you were my type Ishtar?" he asked, raising a white eyebrow, trademark smirk back on his face.

I blushed at that and looked away, focusing my gaze on the ocean.

"Well whatever," Anzu said, "You did look cute."

She lay back down and went back to her conversation with Ryou. I continued to look out at the sea, but was aware of Bakura's eyes on me. I began to feel flustered under his gaze, sweat once again sticking my jumper to my back. My stomach growled unhappily and I felt the sudden need to be sick.

I jumped up, surprising Bakura.

"I'm going to pee guys." I said.

"Where?" Ryou asked, looking around.

I shrugged, "I dunno, behind a dune or summat I guess."

Ryou's mouth formed a surprised 'O', and his eyes widened.

"Be right back."

I walked away from the group, climbing a small sandy hill. Once I was behind it, I checked to make sure there was no-one nearby. I bent forward, sticking my finger down my throat, pushing until I gagged and vomited. The sick splattered the perfect sand, and I continued to retch until my stomach was empty and nothing but bitter green bile came up. I stood up straight, wiped my mouth on my sleeve and turned to go back to the group, leaving my sick to stain the sand. I felt better with my stomach emptied, but the memory of the pride in Bakura's eyes made me feel guilty.


	8. Solution

**Anonymous Secret- Yaay thankyou :) I hope this ones lives up to your expectations**

**TheMysticWonder- I know, he's let us down, he's let Bakura down, but most of all he's let himself down!**

**YamiNoIcexIcuo- Bakura does have a LOT to put up with :P Awh, thankyou :)**

**13579Marik- I'm sorry about your friend :( But she is better now yes? Thanks!**

**HermioneSakuraGardner07- Oh dear.. you see I'm in an awkward situation here, because I didn't write Tea with anyone... and now I feel bad :'( You could sort of say its implied TeaxRyou? But I don't even know if that pairing exists.. I don't usually pair Tea with anyone or involve her that much, she must feel so left out.**

**CHAPTER WARNINGS- Homophobia (I don't agree with this, it's purely for plot), Suicide attempt, Strong language. Self-harm references**

**I'm sorry I didn't upload on time guys! I slept at my friend's house and my laptop's been being unreasonable too. **

**This is the last proper chapter! I'll upload the epilogue next week and then Bullshit Ishtar is done! :'(**

* * *

I was woken by a frantic knocking on my door.

I groaned and rolled over to look at my clock.

9.30AM, on a Saturday.

I crawled out of bed, pulling on a jumper and sloped down the stairs towards the door. The knocking didn't lower in intensity.

"Alright, I'm coming!" I yelled.

I unlocked the door and pulled it open.

"What?" I snapped, not happy at being woken so early.

I was surprised to see no-one there, I leaned out of the door and looked down the street. There was nobody in sight. I stepped out of the front door onto the cold pavement, hugging my jumper around me tightly against the chilling wind.

I walked out to the edge of the road and looked to see if there was anyone in the cars. Nope. I shrugged and turned back to the house.

What I saw nearly made me throw up.

Scrawled on the door in white paint it read 'Go die gay freak.'

The front window was covered with the same white paint.

The garage door had received similar treatment, 'Homo fags go die.'

I felt sick rising in my throat, and one glance at Ishizu's car, covered in white paint was enough for my stomach to empty it's pathetic contents onto the pavement. I stood in front of my house, retching, the smell of paint making my eyes water.

I eventually staggered into my house, slamming the door hard behind me.

"Why now?" I sobbed, it hadn't happened in so long! Nobody here even knew, I'd made sure not to tell them, although Yami and Yugi's new relationship had made me doubt my decision.

I was dreading Ishizu's nightly phone call, what would I say? She didn't even know I was gay.. now it was scribbled all over her house, for all the neighbours to see.

I began hyperventilating, panic gripped me and I felt my lungs constrict, my vision went hazy and my head pounded. I hauled myself slowly up the stairs, I needed to take some painkillers.

I made it into the bathroom and removed the bottle of aspirin. I removed two and swallowed them dry.

I closed the medicine cabinet and looked at my reflection.

Tears came, faster and thicker than before.

I was pathetic. Pathetic and weak. I was disgusting.

I was angry now, angry that I couldn't stop crying, angry that I was so weak.

I screamed in rage and punched the mirror, destroying my reflection. Fist slamming into the glass, which shattered and fell into the sink.

My fist throbbed, blood trickled down my broken knuckles and dripped stickily to the floor.

I sank to the ground, crying bitterly.

I didn't know what to do.

I just wanted out.

I wiped my blurry eyes and looked up at the bottle of aspirin.

That could work.

I reached up to the almost full bottle, weighing it in my hand.

I smiled, finally, I'd be free of all this shit.

I unscrewed the lid and tipped a handful down my throat. Then another handful. Another. Another. Til the bottle was empty.

My eyes were growing weak, I couldn't hold my arms up any more, and they fell to the ground, empty pill bottle rolling away from me.

I smiled. Soon, It would all be over.

My eyes shut, and I gladly let the darkness take me. Anywhere but here.

* * *

Beep-Beep-Beep.

I opened my eyes, then quickly shut them again. Bright white. Heaven?

Possibly.

I felt around me as my eyes slowly adjusted. I seemed to be lying in a bed.

Not Heaven then.

Maybe not even dead. In hospital more likely.

My eyes filled with tears at this thought and I turned to see if my theory was right.

My eyes fell upon a figure, sprawled in a chair beside the bed. His pale face creased with concern even as he slept. Dark circles under his eyes, messy white hair and crumpled clothing.

"Bakura?" I asked, my voice hoarse and croaky.

His eyes shot open and he lunged forward in the chair, staring at me madly.

"Marik! You're awake. I..I.." His voice grew thick, and he leant his head on my bed, shaking with tears.

"Bakura..." I reached out and put a shaking hand on his shoulder.

His head snapped up at the contact, and his face changed.

"You stupid fucking idiot!" He shouted at me, face contorted with rage.

I blinked, rapidly removing my hand.

"You selfish, heartless prick! How could you do that to me? To Ishizu, to everyone?!"

I opened my mouth to reply but he shouted over me.

"When I found you I thought you were dead Marik! I thought you were dead! How did you expect me to explain to your sister? I thought it was my fault Marik! If you had died it would have been all my fault!" He paused for breath, face bright red. "I wasn't even going to visit you, but then I saw the paint on your house and knew something was wrong. I knocked but you didn't reply so I broke in. How do you think I felt when I found you? Lying there! Your face had gone blue Marik! Blue! I thought you were long gone. When I phoned the ambulance even they didn't have much hope for you. I thought you were going to die! I thought we were going to lose you. I thought..."

His voice trailed away as tears overcame him and he sank to his knees, rocking, head in his hands.

"I thought I'd lost you." He whispered.

My eyes filled with tears. He was right. I'd been so selfish.

"Bakura." I reached out for him again but he moved away. "I'm sorry you had to find me like that."

He laughed slightly at that. "No you're not. You're sorry you didn't die. Aren't you?" He looked up, searching my face. "Aren't you."

I felt the tears begin to fall as I nodded.

"I'm sorry Bakura, I'm so sorry." My voice was quiet, pathetic as the tears escaped from me.

His eyes met mine and I noticed for the first time the raging fire that sparkled in them had dimmed.

"Bakura." I whispered, reaching my hand out to his, holding it gently. He let out a dry sob as I touched him and moved closer to my bed, so he was once again leaning his head on it.

"Bakura, I'm sorry."

His hand gripped mine tightly and he stood up, lifting my arm into the air before realising it was bare and my cuts were visible, one with thick black stitches holding it together. He released it angrily, practically throwing my arm away from him.

"No you're not! You were going to leave me Marik! What was I meant to do without you?"

My mouth went dry, what was he trying to say?

"Bakura.." I whispered, reaching for him.

"NO!" he shouted, eyes blazing with pain and anger. "No Marik! You were going to leave me! How could you do that to me Marik? What was I supposed to do? Nothing I did was enough! I made you eat and you resented me! I wanted to help you! But I couldn't do anything right! I just wanted you to be better! I just wanted you to be happy!" Tears flowed thick and fast from his crimson eyes, soaking his t-shirt and leaving tracks down his pale cheeks, his hands were balled into fists and he was shaking.

"I just wanted you to be happy." He repeated, voice barely discernible above the beeps of the heart monitor.

"Why?" I asked, voice trembling.

"You were so selfish." He muttered, ignoring my question. "So selfish."

I felt myself growing angry.

"I was selfish? I was selfish? You were the selfish one! Keeping me here when all I wanted to do was leave! You should have just let me starve! You should have just let me die! That's what I wanted, but you had to save me. You were selfish! You kept me here to keep you happy! I wish you'd let me die! I wish I'd died Bakura!" I was practically screaming, voice cracking with emotion as I hurled these words at him, these cruel words.

"I wish you'd left me to die."

Bakura's hand grabbed mine and he stared into my eyes with an emotion I'd never seen before in his eyes, "I couldn't. I love you Marik! I couldn't..." He buried his face in my chest and sobbed.

It was silent but the constant beep-beep-beep of the heart monitor. Bakura continued to cry into my chest and I placed a hand on his back, rubbing reassuring circles, staring up at the blank ceiling.

"I'm sorry Bakura." I eventually whispered, moving my hand to stroke his soft white hair.

"I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you wanted. I couldn't let you die Marik. I couldn't! I love you. I don't know what I'd do without you. You're right, I was selfish."

I placed my hands on either side of Bakura's face, and raised it so he was facing me. I gently stroked his cheek, small smile gracing my hollow face.

"You weren't selfish. I'm sorry I tried to leave you. I love you too."

Bakura's voice caught in his throat as the words slipped out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry." I said again, gently wiping away the fresh tears that trickled down his face.

He moved to lie next to me on the bed, wrapping his arms around my fragile body and burying his face in my neck.

"I love you Ishtar." He muttered.

"I love you Kura." I replied, before closing my eyes, soothed by the sound of his breathing and the gentle rise and fall of his chest against my back.


	9. Love

**Sorry it's been so long guys! My life has been insanely busy and I had major writers block, plus my laptop is pretty broken and it only works sometimes. But anyway! Here is the last chapter of Bullshit Ishtar! I want to thank you all for reading this story and to thank everyone who followed, Favorited and reviewed. I love you all! xx 3**

**supersteffy- Well you now get to find out :) Thanks for your review 3**

**HermioneSakuraGardner07- That's such a good idea! I may have to write another chapter/epilogue-y thing.. haha :P Thanks for your review 3**

**YamiNoIcexIcuo- Awh thankyou! And yeah, the suicide scene made me sad :'( But he's okay now and he has Kura! Thanks for reviewing 3**

**WARNINGS- Strong language, Eating disorder references**

* * *

"Alrighty, take your gown off and step onto the scales please."

I swallowed, before doing as the nurse said. I removed my thin hospital gown and stepped onto the scales in my boxers, skeletal legs shaking as they struggled to support me. The nurse bustled around me, taking notes on her clipboard, adjusting the scales slightly, trying to hide the shock and pity on her face.

"Okay, you can step off and put your gown back on now Mr. Ishtar." The nurse said with a sad smile.

Once I was dressed again she gestured for me to sit in a chair opposite the one she was now placed in.

"Right, so the scales place you at 77lb. That's about 5.5 stone, which makes you dangerously underweight."

I nodded, I'd already known that I was underweight, but not to that extent.

"We need to get you a specially tailored diet plan from one of our dietitians, you will also need to see a therapist twice a week. I'll make the necessary appointments for you and contact you with the details."

I smiled, thanking the lady and left the room, walking through the halls of the hospital back to my own room, where Bakura was waiting for me.

He looked up and smiled when I entered the room. I sat on the bed beside him and he pulled me into a hug.

"How did it go?" he asked, releasing me from his warm arms.

I looked at my feet anxiously, I didn't want to tell him how underweight I was.

"Marik?" he asked warningly.

"77lb, 5.5 stone." I recited flatly, avoiding his eyes.

I heard him inhale sharply, "Fuck Marik! how are you even managing to walk?"

I shrugged, then risked a glance at his face. It was missing the anger I'd been expecting, instead it was full of concern and love.

"Oh Marik," he sighed, wrapping his arms around me and kissing one of my hollow cheeks. "You need to stop thinking I'll be angry, I just want you to get better."

I smiled, and leant in to plant a small kiss on his lips. "I will Bakura. I'll get better for you."

I promise.

* * *

As the car turned the corner and headed up my road I began to feel sick and gripped my hands into tight fists, nails leaving red indentations on the tanned skin. I swallowed and looked out of the window, watching the houses of my neighbors pass by in a drug induced blur. My mouth felt dry and my stomach was unpleasantly full. For the first time in a while I had the urge to purge, to empty my stomach and feel the relief that hunger brings. A gentle hand squeezing my own removed me from my self-destructive thoughts and brought me back to reality.

"We're nearly there now. You okay?" Bakura's crimson eyes flashed from the road to settle on me for a few seconds. He watched as I nodded and shifted his focus back to the road, mouth turned down as he saw through my obvious lie.

"You don't need to lie to me Marik, I know you're nervous."

My throat was horribly dry as I heard the hurt tone in his voice.

"Sorry Kura." I managed to croak out as I twisted my hair nervously around a slender finger.

Bakura sighed as he brought the car to a stop outside my house, removing his hands from the wheel and placing one on my bony shoulder and one on my cheek. "Listen to me Marik, Ishizu loves you. She's not going to be angry with you, okay?"

I nodded but the tears that had been threatening to leave my eyes since we left the hospital slipped down my cheeks and dampened his palm.

He sighed and pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me and allowing me to cry on his shoulder. He shushed me gently and stroked my hair reassuringly, rocking me until my tears ceased and my breathing became normal again. He shifted away so he could see my face, but kept hold of me, knowing I needed to feel his presence.

"I'll be with you the whole time Marik. I won't let anything bad happen I promise."

I smiled shakily and wiped my cheeks dry. "Thank you Kura."

Bakura smiled in return, then released me, opening his car door and walking round the battered vehicle to open mine, offering me his hand and helping my to my feet. I blushed at the chivalrous treatment and moved closer to him, gripping his hand tightly as we turned and walked up the drive to my house. The white paint still covered the windows, cruel words forever burnt into my memory clearly scrawled on the doors. Ishizu's car was still parked as it had been all those weeks ago, shiny red paint ruined by a hastily thrown amount of white. I felt my stomach convulse and bent over, fighting the urge to throw up even as Bakura rubbed my back and growled softly to himself about being stupid.

"Shit Marik, I'm so sorry, I forgot this would still be here." His voice was panicky and I could sense his eyes darting around in panic. "Shit, shit!"

I swallowed the taste of bile and stood upright, fighting the dizziness throbbing in my skull.

"Bakura it's okay." I placed a hand on his back. "It's not your fault."

"It is! I should've thought. I thought you were, I mean I thought you might.." His voice trailed off and his crimson eyes met my lavender.

I shook my head sadly and let the unspoken word pass between us, both our fears reflected in one simple word, a word that could shatter us, shatter him, shatter me.

Relapse.

Neither of us said anything, we just stood there for a moment, me shivering despite the warm spring air and my many layered outfit, him searching my face with eyes full of fear and hope. I eventually took his hand in mine and led him to the front door. Each of us reached up with our free hand, and together we knocked on the door.

The door opened and the next thing I knew a blur of white had flown at me, knocking my hand out of Bakuras, wrapping itself around my neck and clinging onto me tightly, as if I might disappear. The person was taller than me, tanned, and sobbing into my hair.

"Ishizu." I whispered, wrapping my own arms around her and clinging on as if for life itself.

"Marik I'm so sorry! I didn't know. I thought you were okay. I wouldn't have gone if I'd known. I.. you... they..." Her words descended into unintelligible noises and I simply held her and allowed her to cry. After about ten minutes Bakura cleared his throat awkwardly and Ishizu pulled away from me, wiping her eyes with a trembling hand. Her eyes filled up again as she took in my slender frame, still underweight even after weeks in hospital.

"Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you tell me?" She asked, voice cracking with emotion.

I didn't know what to say to that, my mouth opened and closed uselessly and I brought my arms up to wrap around myself, trying to rub some warmth into my icy body.

Guilt. Shame. Disgust.

I could feel them bubbling through my veins, I began to panic, my breathing grew heavier and my skin felt itchy, I gripped myself tighter, fingers digging into pronounced ribs through my thick jumper. I could sense eyes on me, waiting for an answer, waiting for something. I felt myself shaking and my breath came in uncontrolled gulps, I stared at the ground and tried to focus on something else, anything to get me away from here. A hand on my arm startled me and I jerked my head up with a strangled cry.

"Marik, are you okay?" Ishizu's cornflower blue eyes bored into mine and I felt my breath becoming more and more ragged. There were spots dancing in front of my eyes and I felt weak.

"Shit, he's having a panic attack." I could just make out Bakuras panicked voice over the drumming of blood in my ears. "Lie him down."

I could hear Bakura issuing orders, feel gentle hands lay me down, feel Bakura placing a heavy palm onto my chest to slow my breathing and stop the erratic heaving of my chest.

"Oh my god, does this happen often?" Ishizu's voice floated to me through my half unconscious state.

"Only when he gets really anxious, I knew he wasn't ready for this. I knew!" Bakura spat, pushing down harder on my chest. "Marik! Marik, listen to me, you're okay. I'm here. Bakura's here okay. I won't let anything hurt you remember? You have to breathe for me. Breathe Marik. In, and out. In, and out. Yes, like that Marik. Just stay calm, I'm here."

The clouds on my vision faded and I could see Bakura's face above mine, cheeks damp with tears as he continued to speak, dictating when I would inhale and exhale. I reached my hand out to take his and he gripped it tightly, a relieved sigh leaving his lips.

"Thank fuck," he whispered, gently pulling me to a sitting position, mirroring the way he had when I'd first passed out from hunger. "You okay?"

I nodded slowly as my vision cleared and the blood roaring in my ears quieted.

"Thank fuck." He whispered again, resting his head on my shoulder and exhaling a shaky breath. "You sure know how to worry me."

I smiled and chuckled lightly, "Sorry."

* * *

Once Bakura had calmed down Ishizu and reassured her that I in fact, was not about to collapse and did not need to go to a hospital the visit became much more pleasant. Ishizu showed me and Bakura to my bedroom with a secretive smile and pushed the door open, telling us to come down when we were ready. The room was full of flowers, cards and other gifts. I gasped and felt a lump in my throat as I read each card, containing get well messages and overflowing with love. There must have been at least fifteen bunches of flowers, some with crispy petals and browned stems, some newer with blooming blossoms that filled the room with a delicate perfume. I read each tag and smiled quietly. There were other gifts too, plush teddies with bandaged paws and ripped ears, and bizarrely, a box of chocolates from Joey. Bakura chuckled as I passed them to him to read the tag and he muttered something about stupid mutt's. There was even a card from Kaiba, written in formal style with a rather forced seeming message. Everyone of my friends had got me something, Anzu, Ryou, Malik, Joey, Tristan, Yugi, Yami, even people I didn't expect, like Kaiba, Mai Valentine and Joey's sister Serenity. My eyes filled with tears as I walked around my room and finally stopped to sit on my bed, allowing happy tears to fall from my eyes. Bakura came to sit beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

"I told you people would miss you." He whispered.

"I didn't believe you then." I replied, looking into his eyes, filled with love and pride.

"Do you now?" He asked, voice growing quieter as his face moved closer to mine.

"Yes," I breathed, and he moved forwards and placed a gentle kiss on my lips, holding me tightly.

* * *

When we went back downstairs about half an hour after Ishizu had left us we found her sat in the front room with a tray of tea and biscuits in front of her. She smiled at us and gestured towards a sofa. We sat down, staying close to each other, each needing the others support.

"So, what did you think?"

I went to reply but my voice failed me, coming out as a light sob.

"They're beautiful." Bakura spoke, the tenderness in his voice surprising me.

Ishizu smiled and rose from her seat to offer around the mugs of tea, which both me and Bakura accepted.

"There's biscuits too if either of you want one." She offered, looking at Bakura.

"I'm alright thanks," he replied, deciding not to comment on her exclusion of me and simply giving my hand a squeeze.

We sat there in an awkward silence sipping our drinks. I could feel Ishizu's eyes flickering up to me occasionally, sense the blue orbs running over my frame.

I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat. I hated the way I had caused this awkward atmosphere. I longed for something to break the silence. My eyes landed on the biscuits on the tray. Ginger nuts. My old favorites. I felt a smirk grow on my face as I reached forward and picked one up, bringing it to my mouth and crunching on it. I smiled as the familiar taste exploded across my taste buds, god, why had I denied myself this for so long?

I continued crunching through the biscuit, before finishing and reaching for another. As I straightened back up with the biscuit in my hand I became aware of both Bakura and Ishizu's eyes on me. Bakura's overflowing with proud tears and Ishizu's wide in confusion.

"What?" I asked, snapping the biscuit in half, "I'm hungry."


End file.
